


It ain’t my Fault

by FinalMoondragon



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Marauders - Fandom
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, celebration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 11:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinalMoondragon/pseuds/FinalMoondragon
Summary: The marauders celebrate Sirius Black’s birthday with a wild night in Hogsmeade. Inspired by the song “It ain’t my fault” by Brothers Osborne. Just something silly I imagined the first time I heard it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> ~Ana 
> 
> PS, I do not own Harry Potter or the song that inspired this story. The story is mine though. :)

11:45 pm  
November 3rd  
Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

A shout went up from the boy's dorm, high in Gryffindor Tower. The shout was quickly followed by the sounds of a scuffle, muffled laughter and an inordinate amount of shushing.

In the common room below, a pair of first year students, awake far later than usual, glanced warily towards the spiral staircase. Books were spread open across the cushions between them as they peered over the back of the couch. The boy and girl glanced at each other. The sound of stifled laughter and roughhousing grew louder until four boys – most certainly old enough to know better – appeared at the foot of the steps.

A tall, lanky boy with untidy black hair and wire rimmed glasses grinned mischievously at them and held a finger to his lips as he spotted the pair watching him. The even taller boy beside him opted for a threatening scowl in their direction. He shook long black hair out of smoke grey eyes and drew his finger across his throat in a clear warning. When he saw two pairs of first year eyes widen, a wicked grin replaced his scowl.

"You tell anyone you saw us, homework will be the least of your worries."

"There's no need for threats, Padfoot." A quiet voice chided.

"Come on, Moony. I'd never threaten a little first year." Sirius feigned innocence as he turned to the sandy haired boy standing just behind him.

Remus simply sighed. "Honestly, there is no point wasting time scaring two kids. I'm sure they're intelligent enough to know that we could hex them before they even got a word out." Remus stated calmly, picking a speck of lint off his sweater. When he looked up again he found James, Sirius and Peter grinning at him. The two younger students had hurriedly buried their noses in their books, pretending they hadn't seen a thing.

"You know, I do believe you're right Moony." James announced. "I mean, it's not like they've even learned any counter spells yet. They'd be insane to rat us out." He eyed Peter, "No offense, Wormtail."

The smaller blond boy let out a nervous giggle, "None taken."

James clapped him on the back, nearly knocking him into Sirius. "Good man!"

"Are we doing this or not?" Sirius asked impatiently, growing bored with intimidating the younger students. He folded his arms over his chest, his rolled sleeves revealing the dark lines of tattoos vanishing up under the wrinkled white material. His crimson and gold Gryffindor tie was loosely knotted and his shirt was untucked.

"Right! Moving along then!" James said loudly, remembering that they were awake for a reason. He started for the portrait hole. "Oh! One last thing." He turned around, index finger in the air. He grinned at the small faces peering over the sofa back. "If you tell anyone you saw us, we'll make sure you wake up in the Slytherin common room, in your knickers." He waved jovially at them before swinging the portrait open and vanishing into the dark corridor outside.

A snickering Sirius Black was next through the hole, followed by a giggling Peter Pettigrew. Remus Lupin however, hesitated long enough to glance back at the students. If he'd been in their shoes he would have seen his eyes catch the firelight in a flash of feral yellow as he turned. As it was, he had no idea what caused the sudden gasps and scramble to collect books and parchment. He had only been about to suggest that they should run along to bed, but clearly that was unnecessary. He shrugged and followed the others into the dark.

"You had me going for a minute there Moony." Sirius commented with a grin once they were out of earshot of the portrait of the fat lady.

Remus gave him a wry smile, "Intimidation isn't always loud and obnoxious, Padfoot."

"You sneaky bastard, you." Sirius said affectionately, flinging an arm over Remus' shoulders and tousling his already ruffled hair.

"Alright you lot." James studied a creased piece of parchment that he had seemingly produced out of nowhere. "Looks like we're mostly in the clear, but Filch is wandering around… possibly heading this way. We'll have to be quick." He tapped the page for effect. "Wormtail, have you got the cloak?" James looked up, his glasses shining in the soft glow of his wand.

"Right here Prongs." Peter volunteered the shimmering material; it slipped through his fingers like moonlight trying to escape.

"Excellent. Moony – care to lead the way?" James gestured widely at the vacant corridor.

"I'm not your seeing eye dog, you know." Remus replied.

James whispered, "Nox." And his grin was swallowed by the darkness once more. "Well, I'm sure Padfoot could manage if you're planning to retire."

"What do I look like, a golden retriever?" Sirius' voice hissed out of the shadows.

"More like a Yorkie." James quipped, and a moment later the sounds of scuffling filled the pitch-black hall.

"Guys! Some one is coming!" Peter yelped, snatching the map off the floor and illuminating his wand with a whispered "Lumos."

"Bloody hell. It's Filch. Good ears Wormtail. You and Moony get under the cloak. Padfoot run ahead to the one-eyed witch and open the passage." James directed, running his hand backwards through his already messy hair.

"What about you?" Peter asked, throwing the invisibility cloak over himself and Remus, hiding them from sight. Sirius darted out of the wand light, a low black shadow with glowing eyes.

"I'm Head Boy, remember? I'm allowed to patrol." James smirked, "Now sod off before he hears you oafs tramping around."

"Right. We'll meet you there." Peter whispered.

"Be careful." Remus warned and then they were gone after Sirius.

James lit his own wand and watched the dot on the map as it moved closer and closer. When it was almost upon him he tapped the page and whispered "Mischief managed." He'd just stuffed the page in his jeans pocket when Filch rounded the corner.

"Out of bed are ye?" The greasy caretaker asked with a gleeful smile that wasn't at all friendly. He held up the rusty lantern he typically carried each night, and the flickering light cast deep shadows cross his face. "Students always forgetting the rules."

"Head Boy, remember?" James tapped the badge pinned to his chest.

Filch narrowed his eyes at the badge, as if he suspected a fake, even though he knew good and well that James was, in fact, a Head Boy. "So you say, so you say." He muttered.

James gave him a winning smile, "Just doing my last patrol for the night."

If possible, Filchs' eyes grew even more slanted. "Yes, and I'm sure your little friends are lurking about somewhere, looking for trouble. Some other mess for me to clean up."

"I can assure you sir, my friends are not here." James replied, not strictly lying.

Filch grunted, peering about the shadows as if he didn't believe the boy. "We'll see about that, won't we? Get on with ye. And don't let me catch you again! Patrol is over for you."

"Yes Sir, goodnight sir. You won't catch me sir." James saluted, earning a deep scowl in return. He waited until the caretaker was out of sight before swallowing his laughter and sprinting in the direction of the other Marauders. He was now late for a very important outing.

. . . . . . . . .

"Took you bloody long enough." Sirius griped as James finally appeared in the passageway out of Hogwarts.

"What, did you want Filch to join us? I can go find him again if you like." James replied, voice heavy with sarcasm.

"Wormtail was worried you'd gotten sent to McGonagall." Remus smiled thinly as Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Aw, you know Minnie loves me." James grinned.

"Suck up." Sirius coughed.

"Stuff it, Padfoot." James gave him a light shove, "You're just jealous – you know she fancies my skills on the quidditch pitch."

"Well, it certainly isn't your wit in the classroom." Sirius retorted as James produced a snitch out of his pocket and began to toy with it – letting it fly a foot or so before snatching it back.

James managed to look aghast, "I'll have you know, it's extremely difficult to swindle your way to becoming Head Boy while also being the best prankster to ever grace these hallowed halls."

"You're full of shit Prongs. Everyone knows I'm the best." Sirius corrected with a cocky grin.

"You're both full of shit." Remus interjected, causing both boys to turn and face him. "Everyone knows its Wormtail."

Raucous laughter bounced off the stone walls as the boys pushed and shoved their way through the tunnel to Hogsmeade. By the time they reached the hidden door into the cellar of Honey Dukes Sweet Shop, they had transfigured a gaudy crown and a red, furry cloak onto Peter, and they'd begun a rowdy song about Wormtail – King of Rats and Mischief.


	2. Chapter 2

2:13 am  
The Three Broomsticks Inn

"Alright Marauders! You all know why we're here, but I'll make the announcement anyways!" James stood on his barstool and raised a shot of firewhiskey over his head. The amber liquid sloshed over the rim and trickled down his hand, but he didn't seem to notice. His Gryffindor tie was wrapped around his head as if he were some sort of rebel fighter, and the ends flapped as he nearly lost his balance and fell. His Head Boy badge was now pinned to the front of the tie – in the center of his forehead.

"Please don't." Sirius groaned from the bar stool next to him. They'd already been kicked out of The Hog's Head Inn, where James had made a similar toast after a few drinks. Aberforth Dumbledore had only tolerated the drunken toasting and singing for so long before he told them to bugger off and leave him in peace.

"Toast!" Peter shouted, raising his own shot glass in the air. The crown slid sideways on his head, blocking one eye. The red cloak hung off one shoulder.

Remus grinned, grabbing Sirius by the shoulder, "You had to know it was coming."

"I need another drink." Sirius muttered, tossing back the shot he'd had in front of him. He eyed his reflection in the mirror behind the bar. The candlelight cast strange shadows on his face and made his grey eyes look black.

"Not yet Padfoot! I haven't made my toast yet!" James scolded. "Oh bugger." He swayed on the barstool as it spun around with his movement. He righted himself, spilling more firewhiskey in the process. "Right. As I was saying!"

Sirius put his elbows on the bar and covered his face with his hands. James seemed to have forgotten the 3 previous toasts he had given that night.

"We're here on this horrendously frigid November evening -"

"Its 2 am." Sirius interjected.

"- To celebrate this grouchy old man's 18th birthday!"

"It's not my birthday anymore. It's 2am." Sirius pointed out.

James ignored him. "Grumpy or not, we all know old Padfoot is a softie at heart. He's my brother in all but blood and we'd all be nothing without his eloquent sarcasm and dashing good looks." James grinned jauntily down at his friend. "So in true Marauders fashion, let's turn this town upside down and go have a howl at that moon, shall we?" he shouted and then tipped the firewhiskey into his mouth without lowering the shot glass to his lips. Miraculously he didn't spill any on his rumpled shirt.

"To Padfoot!" Remus and Peter chorused, downing their own shots. Sirius shook his head, a small smirk twisting the corner of his mouth as he drank straight from the bottle.

"James Potter you get off that barstool before you break your neck!"

All four boys shot guilty looks towards the witch behind the bar. She'd just appeared from the backroom with a case of butterbeer, which she sat down with a rattle.

"Sorry!" James grinned and jumped to the floor. The young bartender, Madame Rosmerta, shook her head and set to putting the bottles on a shelf.

"Another round!" Peter called out, slipping off his stool. Remus hauled him back up with a lopsided grin.

"Need another bottle first." Sirius grinned.

"You greedy old dog." James flung an arm over Sirius' shoulder and waved to the witch, "Can we have another bottle of Ogden's ma'am?"

"As if you lot needs anymore…" they heard her mutter before passing the Head Boy an unopened bottle.

He popped the top off in a flash and poured another round. "To the Marauders!"

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

3:25 am  
The Three Broomsticks Inn

"Say that to my face why don't ya?" James yelled as Remus and Peter struggled to hold him back. James lunged towards the group of boys, his tie headband askew, and his sleeves rolled to mirror Sirius'.

"I think I just did, you daft git." The blonde Slytherin snickered and looked at his group of friends. The Gryffindor's were outnumbered 6 to 4. Sirius wondered briefly how this lot had managed to sneak out of Hogwarts without knowledge of any secret passages, but then he shrugged it off. Their head of house probably gave them permission slips. He snorted at the thought of Minerva McGonagall ever giving out slips for Gryffindors' to go get smashed in Hogsmeade. That would be the day.

"Oh just let him go, Moony." Sirius commented, feigning boredom as he leaned back against the bar and took a drag of his cigarette. Despite being entirely smashed off firewhiskey, he somehow managed to retain his usual air of disinterest and arrogance, though anyone who knew him well could see his grey eyes alert to every movement and his muscles tense as if to spring into action at the slightest provocation.

"Moony?" The other boy laughed, "What kind of name is Moony? Is it a pet name for your sweetheart? You slumming it, Black? Wasn't bad enough you became a Gryffindor and a blood traitor huh?"

Remus shot a look at Sirius, but it was too late even if he'd wanted to stop him. Sirius was on the boy in a matter of seconds, fists flying and a low, dog-like growl in his throat. His cigarette still burned where it had landed on the edge of the bar.

"Oh bloody hell." Remus let go of James, and the Head Boy dove into the fight, throwing one of the other boys off of Sirius' back.

"You're not gonna…?" Peter asked wide eyed.

Remus showed his teeth in a wolfish grin, eyes glinting yellow again, "You aren't gonna let him get his ass kicked on his birthday, are you?"

"Damn it." Peter muttered, he tossed his crown and cloak onto the bar and then followed Remus into the fray.

Outnumbered or not, the Marauders had the advantage of animal instincts and Gryffindor brashness on their side. Peter, being smaller than the others already, managed to avoid getting hit at all while deftly pulling one boy's sweater up over the back of his head, effectively blinding him to the fight. A moment later the boy dropped to the floor as one of Sirius' elbows caught him in the side of the head. Remus had taken on two boys at once and was giving them a thrashing that would have made any wolf proud.

James looked up once and cheered him on before being sucker punched by the blonde he'd tackled. "Get 'em Moony!"

"Padfoot!" Peter yelped, finally having been caught by the largest boy.

Sirius Black's head snapped up from where he knelt on a dark-haired boys' chest. "Fuck, Peter..." he breathed, exasperated. Peter never was a good fighter. Sirius gave the boy one last punch for good measure, then sprang to his feet, hitting the large boy around the middle and tackling him to the floor. Barstools skidded across the stone floor as the two rolled, pummeling every inch of each other that they could reach. Luckily, there were not many other patrons in the bar so late – the few that had been minding their own business hurriedly got out of the way as the brawl escalated.

"Oy! That's mine!" James yelled as one of the Slytherin's snatched his tie from his head. Peter retaliated by jumping on the back of the thief – a move that didn't do much other than slow him down, but it was enough for James to grab him.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!" Madame Rosmerta screeched over the chaos. A moment later her wand was out, and the boys were flung in opposite directions. "All of you get out! Go roll around in the street. I won't have it in here!"

"Sorry ma'am!" James called out, grinning despite a black eye.

"You will be, James Potter!" She threatened.

"Get 'em Padfoot!" Peter yelled suddenly, drawing attention to the fact that the Slytherins were edging out the door.

"Don't have to tell me twice." Sirius lunged off the floor and after them like a hellhound scenting blood. Remus was a step behind him, eyes flashing yellow.

"Damn it Peter!" James exclaimed.

"What?" Peter asked as James leapt up and ran after the two boys.


	3. Chapter 3

3:48 am  
Hogsmeade Village

Sirius and Remus were already far ahead of James and Peter, running down the snow-covered street, whooping and yelling like banshees, howling at the nearly full moon. The group of Slytherins were no where to be seen. That didn't stop them from running though.

The sound of hoof beats on the hard-packed snow and ice thudded behind them, and both boys looked over their shoulders to see a gigantic, drunken stag charging headlong towards them – a Gryffindor tie tangled in his antlers and a wide-eyed rat perched between his furry ears. Howling with laughter, Remus staggered into a snow drift, collapsing in a white flurry. Sirius, never one to be outdone, never missed a stride and fell to all fours as a massive black dog that raced the stag down the center of the street, barking like mad.

"Bloody hell, you're going to wake the dead!" Remus yelled, rolling to his feet and starting after the menagerie. Just then the dog whirled around, making the stag come up short and go skidding across the icy road. Remus saw the rat go catapulting into a snow drift and he nearly doubled over again. Clutching his ribs, and reeling from laughter and drunkenness, he tried to keep running towards the escaped zoo.

Sirius spotted him, and tail waving in the air, tongue out and his great booming bark echoing off the cottages and shops, he charged full speed back towards his remaining pack member.

"Padfoot! Don't you dare!" Remus shouted just before the dog collided with his chest, massive black paws hit his shoulders and he went over backwards, narrowly missing a sign for Zonko's Joke Shop. Growling in a way that might have terrified someone who didn't know any better, the black dog closed his mouth over Remus' arm and shook it, dragging him through the snow.

"You arse!" Remus threw a handful of snow in Sirius' face, and then tackled the dog, growling in much same way. The dog kicked him in the stomach as they rolled over and over.

Hoof beats once again announced the arrival of Prongs as he came galloping through the snow – the rat on his back was clutching his Head Boy badge, and the tie it was pinned to was flapping in the wind.

"Oy! Padfoot!" Remus shouted to get the dogs attention. Sirius ceased growling for long enough to look up at him with his head cocked to one side. His pointed ears swiveled forward. "Let's have a proper race, shall we?"

Padfoot barked loudly and Remus shushed him quickly, "Listen – Wormtail, you ride Padfoot, and I'll ride Prongs!"

The stag gave him a look that said he wasn't so sure about that idea, but Remus waved a dismissive hand in the air, "Trust me! It'll be brilliant."

Wormtail launched himself off of Prongs' back to land in the snow, where he floundered until Padfoot took pity on him and scooped him up, careful not to bite him too hard. The brown rat perched himself between the dog's shoulder blades, tying the Gryffindor tie around himself in a very un-rat-like manner. The badge was centered on his stomach, as if he'd won a rat wrestling competition.

Remus hauled himself up onto Prongs' back, wrapping his arms around the thickly furred neck. He drew his wand and held it up high. "Alright, on your mark, get set…." A flare shot out of the wand as he screamed "Go!"

The stag surged forward, nearly unseating him. He clutched his wand in his fist and held on for dear life. "Go Prongs go!"

Sirius sprang into action, keeping pace with Prongs, Wormtail bouncing unsteadily on his back as he took great leaps and bounds trying to pull ahead of the massive buck.

Remus let out a wolf howl as they edged past Padfoot, and he caught a glimpse of a stunned face in one of the cottage windows as they went blasting by in a flurry of snow and gold sparks from his wand.

"Come on James! You've got him now!" Remus shouted in the stag's ear.

Sirius however, was not to be outran by a werewolf riding a deer. He kept pace until it was nearly the end of the snow-covered cobblestone path, and then he gave his last burst of speed and threw himself forward. In a tangle of fur and legs he plowed into a deep drift and vanished from sight – poor Wormtail was flung, tie flapping, into a holly bush. Prongs was forced to leap over where Padfoot had vanished and both he and Remus went sprawling into a garden, sending frozen plants and flower pots flying in every direction.

"Merlin!" Sirius flailed his way out of the drift, fully human, his normally pale skin red from the snow. He looked up in time to see Peter reappear, his sudden weight collapsing the holly bush. He grinned at the smaller boy. James' tie had come undone and was hanging off a broken branch.

"Oy Prongs! Moony! You alive?" Sirius shouted, his voice bouncing back to him off the blanketed village.

"I think so." Came the reply.

"Barely." Remus grunted.

Sirius climbed to his feet, hauled Peter out of the bush, and went to collect the other two.

"Told you it'd be brilliant." Remus grinned up at him from his back.

"And people think I'm the crazy one." Sirius commented, offering his hand.

"You are." Remus replied as he was pulled to his feet. "You've got a busted lip. Did you know?"

Sirius shrugged, licking the cut. "Thought I tasted blood."

"No one help me up. Its fine." James said loudly, dragging himself out of a pile of broken ceramic pots.

"I saved your tie." Peter held it up proudly.

James grinned, "Thanks Wormtail." He tied it around his head once again, carefully centering the badge. "Shall we continue?"  
... ... ... ... ... ...

5:20am  
Honey Dukes Cellar

"Ah gross… fish." Remus complained, spitting out the Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean and reaching in the bag for another. He was sitting on a wooden crate beside Peter.

"I think this one is grass." Sirius frowned. "Should've given it to Prongs. Deer like that shit."

James smacked him on the back of the head, and stuck two beans in his mouth at once, instantly making a face and spitting. "Ugh! Dog food and strawberry sherbet."

"That's why you don't eat two at once." Remus pointed out, passing the bag to Peter. "No peaking Wormtail! Just pick one."

"Oh! Treacle Tart." Peter smiled happily, earning glares from the other three.

"Here. Get the taste out of your mouth." Sirius tossed a chocolate frog to James and Remus each.

"Can't I have one?" Peter asked.

"No. You got a good bean." Sirius replied.

"Oh." Peter looked disappointed. Sirius rolled his eyes and tossed him a frog as well. A moment later it hopped out of his hand and vanished behind a dusty shelf. Peter guiltily smiled. "Can I have another one?"

"You know Prongs pays for everything we take out of here." Sirius reminded him before throwing another frog his way.

"Don't worry about it Padfoot. I don't mind." James shrugged and stuffed the rest of his frog in his mouth. His tie fell in his eyes and he tossed his head to make it shift.

"Come on – we should get back. Sun will be up soon." Remus stood up. "Don't leave anything behind.

"Don't worry – I've got all I need." Sirius smirked as he stood up, producing a small bottle of firewhiskey from his pocket.

"Damn it Padfoot. Quit stealing from the pub or they're gonna ban you permanently." James sighed.

"I didn't steal it! It was a birthday gift. I put it on your tab." Sirius grinned wickedly, and James rolled his eyes.

Remus chuckled, "He got you there Prongs."

"I'm bringing the Beans." Peter hopped off the crate and stuck the bag in his pocket.

"Better grab some frogs too then." Sirius warned.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

6:15am  
Gryffindor Common Room

"Shh!" James hissed, stumbling drunkenly through the still dark common room. His knee banged against an end table and the lamp rattled loudly as he swore, only just catching it before it toppled over.

"You shh!" Sirius retorted.

A sound similar to marbles spilling and rolling across the floor had James, Sirius and Remus turning around to stare at Peter's silhouette. "Oh no… my beans."  
The boys snickered and scrambled around in the dark, trying to scoop the beans back into the crinkling plastic bag.

A light came on near the stairwells, "Dare I ask what you four are doing up at this hour?" Lily Evans asked with a raised eyebrow – her red and gold Gryffindor bathrobe loosely tied over her nightgown.

James' head shot up with a guilty grin and his tie flapped into his face, knocking his glasses askew. "Morning Lily!"

Sirius rolled his eyes, falling back to sit against the wall – the bottle of firewhiskey still clutched in his hand. Remus hid a grin and dropped the last handful of beans into Peter's bag.

"I dropped my beans!" Peter supplied helpfully, eyes still glassy from the liquor and cold air.

Lily looked as if she wanted to smile but instead she eyed the boys disapprovingly, "Are you drunk?"

"It ain't my fault!" James exclaimed, slurring his words slightly, suddenly worried that she was angry.

"Oh it must have been some other bloody huge stag that woke me up and dragged me out into the snow!" Sirius kicked James' heel.

James turned to grin guiltily back at him, "Must've been."

"You went and celebrated Sirius' birthday and didn't invite me?" Lily asked, crossing the room with her arms folded over her chest, doing her best to impersonate McGonagall's sternest expression. "Just for that, you all owe me a drink – and chocolate frogs." She added as she spotted one sticking out of Peter's pocket.

James grinned, "You might have to fight Padfoot for that drink."

"Nah I'd never win." Sirius winked, surrendering the half empty bottle to Lily as she flashed a mischievous grin.

"Happy Birthday Sirius." Lily held the bottle up in a toast and then took a swig amidst a chorus of cheers and howls from the boys.


End file.
